Shoot me before I turn 46

I've been a bit down lately. My new problem is that I realized how much I do act like my parents. I feel a bit off that I haven't broken the cycle and still have taken from them on some levels. The simple reasons are two fold, let me explain this to you with wonderful category technology:

My dad:
He's a useless 46 year old bitter man. He basically has no goals, no objectives, no hobbies, no life. He just abides by the rules, and complains that the world is shitting on him. He isn't going anywhere and isn't motivated to do so. He's got no real plan set up for himself but always bitches and moans about how better the world could be for him.

My mom:
She's an anti-social, unsure of herself, 47 year old woman. She also has no dreams or aspirations in life and is quite dependant of my father. She's emotional and watches decorations shows all day.

I do find that some of their attitudes and behaviors have translated into me. I do have my father's bitterness and lack of patience, and I am as cold as he is. The major difference is that I am motivated to get things better so I can live a better life. I prefer to take control of my own life and chose what I believe to be important and not. I also happen to take my time and enjoy music, food, smells, films and the touch of things. I go out. I do activities, and I still create art. I play music, I cook every once in a while, I draw, I write and I try out new things.

So here's the latest stunt my father pulled. He was angry because nobody changed the oil on the Corolla. So he parked it in the garage, disconnected the battery and blocked it off with the snowblower. He didn't tell this to anyone. He just did it, and staid quiet about it. He walks around the house avoiding conversations and so far we've yet to exchange a single phrase today. This is it? A 46 year old man, solving his problems the way a child does by getting in his corner and crying? Come on, please, if anyone has any shred of decency out there, shoot me before I become this man.

My dad has recently baught himself a new car, put quite a few bucks in it. He basically kept responsibility for our 96 Caravan and our 98 Corolla. When he baught those two though, he put very little money into them and got the basic of the basic packages. We don't even have head rests in the van! He complains that it's not fair that he be stuck with taking care of the vehicles. He always bitches and moans.

On some occasions, the cars aren't deemed safe to drive. He doesn't care, since he's so bitter that he'd have to put some time and money into fixing it. He'd rather have us drive them and 'learn our lesson'.

The cars should be taken off the road and they're are many solutions that can be taken into account to get better cars and not waste money. But my dad doesn't understand any of it, he's too busy being mad at the world to realize their are alternatives.

He won't stop complaining that we're stressed individuals, lately, I couldn't agree less with such statements of hypocracy. He left for a week, and they're wasn't a bit of tension in the air at home. Now that he's back, the world's got awry. Everything is becoming a big drag, and the stress has multiplied.

He sees his kids as a threat. Like we're overthrowing him. He can't stand up for himself.

So if I ever head down that road, shoot me. I'll thank you. Call it, assisted suicide, or, helping out the dellusional.


At 12/11/05 11:56 PM, Blogger Portelance said...

Eesshhh..... sounds very much like my parents in the way you describe them. My dad is also very bitter and claims he always has to do things himself. He wants us to do things in his way and gets annoyed when we seek our own advantage instead of his. Sometimes I figure he just had kids so that he could eventually unload some of the work on them. I don't think he's really thought out why he is stressed out and why he has so much work to do around the house and such. He freely admits that he's not productive in doing things and yet doesn't really structure things well either. I'd be extremely curious to see if my dad deals with his employees like he deals with his children. Would be interesting to observe him at work some day.

My mom is very similar with the decoration shows and all. She claims that there aren't enough hours in a day. I agree. Her problem, though, is that a "day" for her is 9am-4pm. Anything else is completely wasted time.

I constantly reflect on the whole nature vs. nurture debate and I'm really not sure. In fact, when I compare myself to the other members of my family I have no fucking clue how I turned out the way I did. In terms of political views, personality, ambitions, etc. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It would have to be a product of my environment outside home, but I don't know.

I've actually commented to you a few times that it all stems from curiousity. It's probably the quality I value the most about myself and is the starting point for almost everything I do in life. It's possible my parents somehow instilled this value in me, unknowingly, and I was able to maximize it.

Another interesting thing is that, and I've said this before, the more we age, the more we do turn into our parents, like it or not. I'm not sure why this happens. My dad is turning more and more into his dad each day in terms of musical tastes and such. I fear I will become my dad one day, and I will end up like that if I stick around home too long. I give myself another two years at the absolute most and I will be gone for good. It's convenient at the moment but it's not very progressive.


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