Greeting Cards Should Be Illegal

The whole concept of a greeting card seems to me absolutely ridiculous. I have many issues with this. First of all, they are generally extremely expensive. Even the most basic card will set you back almost $5, for essentially laminated recycled paper.

Second, I don't know about you, but it seems to me that greeting cards are not very appealing at all. People are more interested in the gift than some lame card that was attached to it. I believe it's actually our subconscious way of saying "it's not the gift that counts, it's also the thought behind it!". These are really lame Christian values and those who think this should be shot. I will throw out the card two seconds after I receive it. The gift, providing I like it, will be kept for a long time. If you mean well but give me grape juice for my birthday, I'm still going to punch you in the cunt. Also, nobody is interested in some pre-defined comments written by some guy who works for Hallmark and pumps about 5000 of these one-liners out a year. The fact that you sign your name or add a repetitive comment doesn't "personalize" it, no matter what you think.

Third, I hate being forced to give greeting cards to people, or even just signing my name onto a collective card from my family to someone. It seems to me like the most awkward thing. Generally, I can never think what to say. I don't have anything to say to these people, so I end up signing my name. This somehow makes it seem inadequate most of the time, as everyone else has added some lame comment. The most clever thing I can come up with is usually "Happy Birthday!" or "Have a great year!" or "Enjoy your health, while it lasts!". What I'm really thinking, though, is "Another year, eh? I'm surprised you lasted this long, fucker. My plots have failed miserably!".

Finally, it seems like some people actually enjoy greeting cards or the thought behind it, which really freaks me out. Ever go to someone's house and they have about a row of 20 greeting cards stashed away on top of some armoire in a corner? That's fucking freaky. Yeah, we know, you have friends... Hallmark really nailed it this year!


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